


The Hired Gun of Avalon

by queien



Category: Chronicles of Amber - Roger Zelazny, Deadpool - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Guns of Avalon rewrite, Some blood and gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-26
Updated: 2016-05-26
Packaged: 2018-07-10 07:25:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6972964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queien/pseuds/queien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Instead of wasting all that time raising an army and training them to use guns, Corwin goes out into shadow and hires a one-man army instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hired Gun of Avalon

“So, now we have the powder, what’s the next step?” Ganelon asked as Corwin stopped the horses.

“Now,” Corwin said, “we start a long and tedious phase of manufacturing guns and bullets, and building and training an army.”

“You have time for all that?”

Corwin shrugged. “I need to have time for all that if I’m going to take Amber.”

“Yes, but you’re an Amberite,” Ganelon said. “Couldn’t you just go out into shadow and find premade guns that would work?”

Corwin shook his head. “I doubt that,” he said.

“Well, do you really need an entire army?”

Corwin shrugged. “What, do you think I should just hire myself an assassin to take out Eric?”

“More or less,” Ganelon said. “Or, at least, couldn’t you find people already trained in the use of weaponry? Or even one man who could serve as an army himself?”

Corwin pursed his lips in thought. “You may have a point there,” he said. “I’ll see what I can find.”

*****

Deadpool looked up as the two men approached him, and he raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t realize there was a renaissance fair in town,” he commented as he glanced over their outfits.

The dark-haired one smiled and took a seat across from him. “Wade Wilson, I take it,” he assessed, “commonly known as Deadpool.”

“Ding ding ding, correct,” Deadpool replied. “The real mystery is who you two are.”

The man stretched out his hand. “I’m in the habit of giving out pseudonyms, but since I’d like to hire you, I might as well give you my real name. I’m Corwin. My friend’s name is Ganelon.”

“You do realize I’m a mercenary in the modern sense, right? I’m not some sellsword guarding noblemen for a few gold. I kill people.” He didn’t even look at Corwin’s hand.

“I sure hope so, or I’d be in the wrong place,” Corwin said as he retracted his offered hand.

“Alright then, King Arthur,” Deadpool said. “Who am I killing? Morgan le Fay?”

“Close,” he said. “It would be my brother, not my sister. But he’s still a schemer for the throne.”

Deadpool laughed. “If you wanted to play fairytale games, you could’ve just told me so,” he said. “However, I kill people for real.” He drew his gun and pretended to shoot it at Corwin’s head. “Bang! Except the gun would make the noise instead of me and a real bullet would fire, potentially killing you.”

Corwin dug through a pouch at his side and pulled something out, which he tossed onto the table. Deadpool looked at it in confusion, but when he realized it was a huge, raw diamond, he slid his feet off the table and snatched it up for a closer look.

“Tell me how many of those you’ll need for your upfront payment,” Corwin said. “Alternatively, name anything you can imagine, and I’ll fetch it for you.”

“I’m a little skeptical about that whole ‘anything’ thing,” Deadpool said. “I’ll take this rock as a partial down payment, but if you can get me a real stuffed unicorn, I’ll take your job.”

Corwin grimaced. “I’m a little against such a thing. Unicorns are sacred where I’m from.”

“I bet,” Deadpool interjected.

“But what would you say to a living unicorn?”

“I’m not sure,” Deadpool said. “I’ve never met one before, but I’d probably introduce myself at least.”

Corwin stood and held out his hand once more to Deadpool. “Walk with me. I’ll tell you more about the job along the way.”

*****

Deadpool squealed again as he patted the unicorn again. “I can hardly believe I get a real unicorn!” he said. “But what am I going to do with it? I’m not ready for a pet, and I can’t even ride it into battle. The bad guys have guns.”

“I’m more than happy to pay you with something else,” Corwin said. “I’ve still got plenty of diamonds.”

“Okay, yeah, I’ll take the diamonds for now, but I want some time to think about what you’ll give me for completing this task.”

“That seems fair,” Corwin said, and he untied the pouch at his waist and tossed it to his new ally. Deadpool caught it with one hand with hardly a glance, his focus remaining on the horned horse before him.

“There’s only one problem,” Corwin said.

“Yeah?”

“Guns don’t usually work in Amber.”

“That should be fine,” Deadpool said. “I’ve got backup.” He gestured at the swords on his back.

“I said ‘usually.’ I have a way around the restriction, but I still need to have someone do the manufacturing for me,” Corwin said. “By the way, what gun would you prefer?”

“The fact that you said that word in the singular means you don’t know me at all,” Deadpool said. “Let me write you out a list.”

*****

“Tell me more about this guy I’m killing,” Deadpool said as he balanced uncomfortably on his horse.

“His name is Eric,” Corwin said. He pulled out a pack of long cards resembling a deck of tarot and shuffled through them. Pulling one out, he offered it to Deadpool, and he took it. “That’s what he looks like. He may have guards or even an army protecting him.”

“No sweat,” Deadpool said. He looked down at the card in his hand. “I’d ask what he did to get on your bad side, but he even looks like a douche.” He offered it back, and Corwin shuffled it back into his pack.

“I might as well tell you, but it’s a long story,” Corwin said. “The most recent thing he did was burn my eyes out and lock me in a cell for four or so years.”

“Looks like you recovered from both those things well enough,” Deadpool commented.

“My eyes are still healing.”

“Wow, your healing factor must be shit.”

“Mine is probably the best in the family,” Corwin said.

“Well, that’s promising, at least. But is it even possible to kill one of you guys?”

“Yes,” Corwin said. “I’ve heard stories of my older brothers who died in war, and my father is presumed dead.”

“Okay, good,” Deadpool said. “Because if this was a wild goose chase you were running me on, I was about to tell you where you could shove your diamonds.”

Corwin laughed.

“Speaking of shoving things places, I think I know what I want for my final payment.” He lifted his mask to expose his deformed face. “A whole host of women who’d find this ugly mug sexy.”

“Easy,” Corwin said.

“Really? Well then, how about throwing in a few men for good measure?”

“Er, sure,” he said.

“Perfect. I’d ask for more, but you did let me pet a unicorn for three straight hours. That definitely counts for something. And you’re providing all my ammo and transportation, so I don’t even have any expenses. Plus I get to do all this fun traveling-though-worlds stuff. This is probably the best job I’ve ever taken in my entire life!”

“Good to hear,” Corwin said.

“Actually, you know what? Throw in the world’s largest chimichanga,” Deadpool added. “I’m gunna be hungry when all this is over.”

*****

When the three of them arrived, the forces of Chaos had descended upon the city, and Amber’s army was locked in combat with them.

“Change of plans,” Corwin called as he drew Greyswandir.

“If you’re canceling our agreement, just know that I’m keeping what you paid upfront.”

“No, we need to drive back these monsters! Your new task is to kill anything that doesn’t look like me!”

“Is this a no-survivors sort of deal, then?” Deadpool asked.

“No, kill everything that doesn’t look human,” Corwin clarified.

“Okay, on it,” Deadpool said. “It’s not every day I get to say I killed a dragon.” Guns blazing, he charged into the fray.

*****

Splattered in blood and nursing wounds, the Amberites regrouped after combat. Corwin approached with Ganelon and Deadpool behind him.

“That was quite the lucky return, Corwin” Julian commented. “The enemy army had been attacking without break for days. I thought we were lost.”

“Yes, well, there’s no fun in ruling a place if there’s nothing left to rule over,” Corwin replied.

“I take it you’re still set on trying to steal the throne from me, aren’t you?” Eric asked.

“Of course,” Corwin replied. “Why wou-“

“Oh, right,” Deadpool said, and he drew his gun and shot Eric right between the eyes. Eric’s head jerked backward, and blood and brain tissue splattered everywhere before the body collapsed.

“Whoo! One shot!” Deadpool cheered. He thrust one hand into the air, the other clutching at his groin as he moonwalked in a circle. Once he’d finished his victory lap, he paused and looked around at the stunned faces that surrounded him. “What?” He asked. “What’s wrong? Was it something I did? Hey, Camelot,” he said, patting Corwin on the cheek and leaving a bloody smear of a handprint. “What happened? Did I miss something?”

Corwin didn’t move and continued to stare at his brother’s corpse, stunned into a shocked silence.

Deadpool shrugged and continued his celebrations.


End file.
